LESSON ONE: DON’T DATE TO DATE
We’ve all had those relationships. The people we date just because we’re bored, we like the title of being “taken,” of being wanted, and of having someone just to have someone. My first relationship, my first boyfriend, was the guy you date just because.
I was in high school, had been a make-out queen and never found anyone I wanted to date. Until of course, one older guy came along. He the edgy, pot smoking guy of whom was the total opposite of the popular “homecoming queen” type I was. My friends and family thought I’d lost my mind. And I probably had. He and I couldn’t have been more different. I wasn’t necessarily attracted, nor in love with him during the few years that we dated but it was the drama that I craved. The break ups, back togethers, arguments, and firsts were all too exciting. My first relationship was really a relationship with the story, the excitement, the title, the company, and especially the ability to say I had a boyfriend.
We dated for about two years. How it lasted that long- I have no idea. He wasn’t a bad person, to be sure, but the ups and downs were addicting. Every other week we were on a “break.” (A BREAK IS BOUND TO LEAD TO BREAKING UP) or getting married… and when you decide to go on one of these “breaks” I think we all know which way it will eventually go. I really think a break is more of a “lets see how devastated I am not being with this person” or a “I hope I have an epiphany and see something in him I’ve never seen… while I’ve been spending every minute with him the last two years (note sarcasm)” or especially “I want him to want me and he will want me once he doesn’t have me.” I think our reasons for going on these breaks were probably a mixture of them all.
It was the unhealthiest of relationships, but I was addicted to the drama. Once college began, I started to make other friends, and I couldn’t help but be interested in all of the new people I was meeting. It was at that point- that I had my own life- that he started to be a better boyfriend. I swear to God it was like the second I didn’t need him he sensed it and knew he had to step it up (funny how that happens right – stay tuned for my next lesson!) Unfortunately, but actually very fortunately, I decided it was time to move on to having my own life! AND THIS IS THE THING: you don’t have to feel sorry for moving on and choosing what’s best for you. It sucks, yes, we hate saying goodbye to people. But sometimes you’re saying goodbye to yourself by staying in a relationship that changes who you are. Only you know what’s best for you.
I realized relationships weren’t about the craziness or the ups and downs. They’re about so much more than that. One of my guy friends slowly became (Lesson ?- stay tuned) the guy I relied on, and the guy who taught me I deserved better treatment from a boyfriend, and deserved someone I consistently loved. After much too long I got the guts to end the relationship and cut off all communication (a family member told me, it would be easier for me to remain friends with him, but harder for him because he still wanted to be in the relationship.) SO we stopped talking… and I haven’t spoken to him since. I’m sure he is out there in the world in a much happier relationship because of this lesson we learned together.
And so, my first lesson… Don’t date someone just because you’re bored, because you want something to do, or because you crave the drama of it all. You’re better than that, and you deserve a relationship that’s consistently comfortable <3